Sadly, not everyone you meet will have your best interests at heart. Pickup artists, for instance, make a game out of using certain techniques in their dating strategy in order to get targets to have sex with them. Some of these pickup artist tactics can be fairly obvious. But since they can also be effective, it’s important to know how to spot them.
Pickup artist techniques became pretty well known after Neil Strauss’s book, The Game: Undercover in the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists, became mainstream over a decade ago. The book, which has been called a “misogynistic pickup manual,” features dangerously manipulative tricks for men looking to get women into bed. In recent years, Strauss himself has called the techniques “objectifying and horrifying.”
“Like narcissists and sociopaths, a pickup artist is all about using and exploiting others for personal gain,” dating coach Connell Barrett, tells Bustle. Typically, a pickup artist is a person who studies the art of manipulating women by using sophisticated tactics, lies, and psychological tricks to seduce them.
According to Barrett, a pickup artists see sex as a form of conquest, not connection. “A woman is a ‘target,’ an interaction is a ‘set,’ and he’ll try to take her to a ‘seduction location,'” he says. “There’s nothing wrong with learning to be a better, more confident dater. But it should be about connection, not conquest.” Pickup artists are all about the latter.
It’s not always easy to tell if someone is being genuine with you or if they truly don’t have your best interests at heart. So here are some shockingly effective pickup artist techniques experts say to be aware of.
1. The Will Gradually Escalate The Touching
“Pickup artists use a gradually escalating system of physical touching that some call ‘kino escalation,'” Barrett says. The idea here is simple enough — a pickup artist will make their intended target comfortable with the idea of getting physical by easing into it and testing your boundaries. For instance, they might start by greeting you with a hug or a high-five. Later on, they’ll place a hand on your back or brush the hair out of your eyes.
The main goal here is to get a woman into bed. If that’s not something you’re interested in, state your boundaries and be firm. Call them out on it. “There’s nothing a pickup artist hates more than getting ‘caught’ using tricks and techniques,” Barrett says. “It’s like kryptonite to them.” If you’re not completely comfortable calling someone out, you can try brushing off their touches, or you can attempt to leave the situation. Put a little more physical distance between the two of you. Pickup artists use physical escalation to see how far they can go. So if you’re not feeling it, they should back off.
2. They Will Play Up The Charm When You First Meet And Use Tactics Like “The Spin Move”
Watch out for those folks who, when they meet you, take your hand and twirl you around like you’re starting a dance. It may seem like a silly yet suave way to start a date. But according to Barrett, it’s a “pick up artist 101 trick” that’s used to begin physical escalation. “If you meet someone at a bar or club and they spin you within a minute of meeting you, there’s a good chance they’re a pickup artist, or were trained by one.” Anytime someone seems “too smooth” or “too good to be true” and it raises red flags, don’t ignore it. Your gut feeling may be telling you something really is off.
3. They’ll Pretend To Be Whoever You Need Them To Be
Similar to sociopaths, Barrett says pickup artists will project a false image of themselves for whatever fits their purpose. Sometimes, they’ll do it to hide their insecurities. Other times, they’ll do it in order to be whoever they think their target wants them to be. Another trick is acting sweet and romantic as a form of manipulation, Barrett says. “It’s effective because it speaks to what [some people] want: a cool, trustworthy partner to connect with.”
They may start this by trying to find things in common, or talking about the future with you, he says. “Some even use ‘statements of vulnerability’ to amplify the perception that they’re sensitive and relatable.” According to him, this typically works because many singles are looking for the love and connection that comes with having a partner.
4. They’ll Use “Negging”
“This is an ‘old-school technique’ that Neil Strauss, wrote about in The Game and it’s still being taught,” Barrett says. A “neg” is a cross between an insult and a compliment. According to him, it’s a line that pickup artists use to lower a woman’s self-esteem or to make them self-conscious, and as a result, make her feel compelled to seek validation from him.
“Pay no attention to backhanded compliments or notice if someone crow-bars in comments about your incompatibility as a couple (‘You and I would never get along — our personalities are too different’),” Barrett says. “These are signs they’re trying to ‘game’ you, rather than genuinely connect with you.” In short, someone who likes you won’t feel the need to attack your self-esteem.
5. They’ll Use “The Statement Of Empathy”
This is a phrase that pickup artists use to diffuse a situation when their attempts to get physical makes a target feel uncomfortable. Like narcissists and sociopaths, pickup artists want someone to feel they are empathetic and have the best intentions, Barrett says. That’s where the “statement of empathy” comes in. It’s a scripted line that’s often used right after a pickup artist tries to touch or kiss you, and you’re not into it. Some examples include, “Sorry, I’m a big hugger,” or “Sorry, I just got caught up in the moment.”
This is meant to show that the pickup artist understands how you are feeling, but also offers an excuse that can be forgiven, Barrett says. “It’s meant to build trust, because it supposedly shows that he can read social cues.”
6. They’ll Do What They Can To Make You Believe That You’re Special
As psychotherapist Patti Sabla, LCSW, tells Bustle, people who don’t have your best interests at heart will successfully charm you by making you feel special and appreciated. “Some enjoy the challenge of trying to get others to do things for them, like making special accommodations or giving them special attention or treatment,” Sabla says. “When they get this special treatment, they act totally grateful.”
They’re likely to keep up the act until they get bored.It’s not easy to tell if someone’s just using you or being genuine, especially if things are new. So be cautious. “Don’t show all of your cards or give someone complete access to your life until they can prove they can be trusted,” Sabla says. “Sociopaths and narcissists, for instance, prey on the kind and the weak. You can still be kind, but don’t let that kindness turn into weakness.”
7. They’ll Flirt With Other People To Try To Make You Jealous
“In Robert Cialdini’s book, Influence, he talks about the power of social proof to persuade and coerce, and that’s what pickup artists are trying to do,” Barrett says. For instance, a pickup artist will flirt with the bartender in front of their date, talk a lot about exes, or tell a made-up story about how they got hit on that day to “prove” their worth. The thinking goes, if many people desire and want them, then anyone should. So just be aware of someone who’s trying to play up their desirability.
Unfortunately, there are sketchy people out there who are only looking out for themselves. In order to avoid being manipulated by a pickup artist or anyone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart, go with your gut.If something feels off to you, don’t ignore it. Always remember, if someone’s truly interested in you, they won’t need to resort to any of the above tactics.
The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists
Hidden somewhere, in nearly every major city in the world, is an underground seduction lair. And in these lairs, men trade the most devastatingly effective techniques ever invented to charm women. This is not fiction. These men really exist. They live together in houses known as Projects. And Neil Strauss, the bestselling author and journalist, spent two years living among them, using the pseudonym Style to protect his real-life identity. The result is one of the most explosive and controversial books of the last decade—guaranteed to change the lives of men and transform the way women understand the opposite sex forever.
On his journey from AFC (average frustrated chump) to PUA (pick-up artist) to PUG (pick-up guru), Strauss not only shares scores of original seduction techniques but also has unforgettable encounters with the likes of Tom Cruise, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Heidi Fleiss, and Courtney Love. And then things really start to get strange—and passions lead to betrayals lead to violence. The Game is the story of one man’s transformation from frog to prince to prisoner in the most unforgettable book of this generation.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: Practical Guide for Improving Communication
The most well-know, long-lived, and tried-and-tested relationships guide ever, the phenomenal #1 New York Times bestseller Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is now available for the first time ever as an ebook. In this classic guide to understanding the opposite sex, Dr. John Gray provides a practical and proven way for men and women to improve their communication by acknowledging the differences between their needs, desires, and behaviors. No other relationship guide on the market will give you the same level of evidence-based insight sure to help you strengthen and nurture your relationships for years to come.
The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships
Most of us have no idea how others see or process their experiences. And that can make relationships hard, whether with intimate partners, with friends, or in our professional lives. Understanding the motivations and dynamics of these different personality types can be the key that unlocks sometimes mystifying behavior in others―and in ourselves. This book from Suzanne Stabile on the nine Enneagram types and how they behave and experience relationships will guide readers into deeper insights about themselves, their types, and others’ personalities so that they can have healthier, more life-giving relationships. No one is better equipped than the coauthor of The Road Back to You to share the Enneagram’s wisdom on how relationships work―or don’t.
Why do Sixes seem so intimidated and put off by Eights, who only wish the Sixes would stop mulling things over and take action?
Why do Fives seem so unavailable, even to their closest family and friends, while Twos seem to feel everybody else’s feelings but their own and end up irritating people who don’t want their help?
How in the world can Fours be so open and loving to you one day and restrained and distant other times?
The Enneagram not only answers these questions but gives us a way out of our usual finger pointing and judging of other people―and finding them wanting, perplexing, or impossible. Suzanne’s generous, sometimes humorous, and always insightful approach reveals why all the types behave as they do. This book offers help in fostering more loving, mature, and compassionate relationships with everyone in our lives.
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Strengthen and deepen your love with a fun, ingenious program of eight life-changing conversations—on essential topics such as money, sex, and trust—from two of the world’s leading marriage researchers and clinicians.
Navigating the challenges of long-term commitment takes effort—and it just got simpler, with this empowering, step-by-step guide to communicating about the things that matter most to you and your partner. Drawing on forty years of research from their world-famous Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman invite couples on eight fun, easy, and profoundly rewarding dates, each one focused on a make-or-break issue: trust, conflict, sex, money, family, adventure, spirituality, and dreams.
Interactive activities and prompts provide motivation to stay open, stay curious, and, most of all, stay talking to each other. And the range—from the four skills you need for intimate conversation (including Put Into Words What You Are Feeling) to tips on being honest about your needs, while also validating your partner’s own emotions—will resonate, whether you’re newly together or a longtime couple looking to fortify your bond. You will discover (or rediscover) your partner like never before—and be able to realize your hopes and dreams for the love you desire and deserve.
With more than a million copies sold worldwide, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages.
John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy.
Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else.
Packed with new exercises and the latest research out of the esteemed Gottman Institute, this revised edition of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.
It is not difficult and expensive to please a girl, especially if she loves you. As a boyfriend, it is your duty to give her more reasons to smile and make her feel loved and special. Though it may be difficult to understand a girl’s emotion, you can try different strategies to keep her happy.
Here are 30 things you can do to keep your girlfriend filled with joy in her heart.
1. Tell her that you love her. Hold her hand, look deeper into her eyes, and say those three words with eight letters. This is one of the simplest yet most important rules in every relationship. Letting her know how much you love her and how special she is for you won’t even make a dent in your wallet but will surely make her delighted.
2. Write a love letter or leave little notes. Giving your girlfriend something to read that will show how you think and feel about her throughout the day is one of the sweetest things you can do to her.
3. Surprise her with flowers. Girls have the simplest form of happiness. You may drop by at her house or office unexpectedly. Sending her flowers without any occasion is one of the best ways to make your girl ecstatic.
4. Send her sweet text messages. Shower her with sweet messages, tell her she is on your mind and let her know that you are missing her. Your message is not just a message, it’s her happiness.
5. Call her. At least call her once a day to ask how her day is going or what she is doing. She will appreciate it and will make her feel cared of.
6. Respect her. Give respect and you will receive respect. Always be chivalrous around your girl and learn to treat her like a princess. She’ll definitely love your courteous side and will make her satisfied even with just your simple acts.
7. Make her feel secure. Your protective streak will help you make your girlfriend happy. When your girl feels secure around you, she’ll feel like you are someone she can depend on anything and she’ll instinctively feel happier to be in love with you.
8. Compliment her. Girls love compliments, it makes them feel more appreciated. So when you notice something nice about her, give her the praise she deserves. Adore her beautiful smile, admire her new attire, or tell her you love her smell.
9. Listen to her. Pay attention to her when she’s talking to you. Sometimes, girls only need someone who will listen to all their rants about life. She’ll surely love you for doing it.
10. Spend time with her. This is one of the most important things you have to consider in every relationship. No matter how busy or hectic your schedule is, don’t forget to free your time and create sweet moments with her. Do things that will make your time memorable together, even in the simplest ways.
11. Give her surprise gifts. You don’t have to buy expensive gifts. A simple treat of her favorite ice cream, a box of chocolates, or a movie ticket is enough to make your girl happy.
12. Pamper her. Girls love to be pampered. Buy her the food she craves, tell her stories, recite romantic poems for her, or sing her favorite song.
13. Make her laugh. Tell her about a hilarious incident that happened to you or some funny things you read somewhere. This is not difficult as you think; you just have to share funny thoughts to make her laugh. If your jokes don’t make her grin, you might just try to make funny faces.
14. Say sorry to her, sincerely. Do not hesitate to say sorry if you’ve made a mistake. Do this even about things that may have seemed trivial. Let her know that you care about her feelings. Of course do it sincerely. And if you ask forgiveness thru text or chat messages, make sure you spell SORRY correctly.
15. Give her a hug. Give her a warm hug while smelling the scent of her hair. It will make your girlfriend feel that her boyfriend always misses her.
16. Make her feel special. Make her feel that she is unique and not ordinary. So if you are making efforts for other people, make sure you are making the best or most special effort for her.
17. Thank her in every little effort she does. Never forget to show your gratitude or appreciation whenever she does something special or thoughtful for you. A simple “thank you” can brighten up her day and make all her efforts worth it.
18. Cook for her. Don’t worry if you aren’t a master chef — it’s the thought, willingness and effort that count. It will make her romantically excited and happy because you are not only trying to win her heart and mind, but also her taste buds.
19. Hold her hand in public. It will make her feel protected, valued, and honored. It will make her happy, having the thought that you feel proud and lucky to have her.
20. Always be there to lend a hand. You don’t have to be Superman or Batman, but saving her and solving her simple everyday problems, from carrying a heavy luggage to finding a missing small stuff, will already make you her favorite superhero.
21. Include her in decision-making. You’re in a relationship so you should also act as one. Even though you’re the one who will decide which direction to take, also consider her ideas. She’ll see that you love her opinion and this will make her feel more valued.
22. Be sweet to her. Staying sweet with her no matter how long you’ve been together proves that you still love each other. A simple “I love you” or a simple present for her is enough to make her happy. Of course only show your sweetness and romantic side to her, not with other women… if you don’t like her to feel jealous and be upset.
23. Set a romantic date. Whether it’s in a fine dining restaurant, at the movie theater, at the park, or just inside your home — it doesn’t matter. What really matters is that it is romantic.
24. Be loyal to her. Loyal men are rare to find nowadays. So if you can prove to her your loyalty, then it will absolutely make her feel blessed and happy.
25. Be nice to her friends and family. Getting along with her friends and family will give your girlfriend a peace of mind for it means that she will have a life without conflicts among the people who are close to her heart. She will be happy to know that her boyfriend, friends and family are coexisting harmoniously.
26. Share things with her. What’s yours is hers as well, whether it’s tangible like your bicycle or intangible like your secrets. She’ll be happy if you share things with her without any hesitations. Be open and trustworthy to her, as she is also open and trustworthy to you.
27. Go on a trip together. Planning out on a week together feels better to keep away from all the stress at work. This will also help you bring back the passion and excitement in your relationship. Girls keep some relationship goals, and travelling together is probably one of them. So if you will help her achieve her relationship goals, that would be satisfying.
28. Show her that you’re interested in her interests. You probably don’t care about the TV show she’s obsessed with. You don’t have to actively participate in all her interests. However, you have to show to her that you acknowledge them. Show her some enthusiasm when she talks about them.
29. Value her point of view. Listen to her and let her say whatever decision she has in mind. Respect her point of view as you would expect her to respect yours.
30. Be true to your words; be true to your actions. Never ever lie to her, whether it’s through your words or through your actions. Do not be a liar and a great pretender. Finally, always make her happy because it’s what your loving and cheerful heart tells you so, not just because your girlfriend wants it… or not just because, in this article, I have told you so.
There you have it! I hope this will help all the guys out there to keep their girlfriend happy. Always remember that every girl deserves a man who will fill their heart, mind, and life with joy and gladness.
Over the past few years, many social observers have noted that young adults are dating less. Instead, dating is being replaced by “hanging out” with members of the opposite sex. Dating and hanging out are two completely different things.
Hanging out consists of people getting together in groups and doing stuff together. It could be going to a club, a restaurant, or just staying home and playing Wii. The atmosphere is relaxed and relations among opposite sexes never rises above the level of friendship (or friendship with benefits). There is nothing wrong with hanging out, but it is not a replacement for dating.
Dating consists of pairing off with someone in a temporary commitment so you can get to know the person better and perhaps start a long term relationship with them.
Why the decline in dating?
There are probably lots of factors that have contributed to the decline of dating amongst young adults. Here are few possible ones:
1. Young adults don’t like to commit. It seems like people in my generation aren’t big on making commitments to people or to organizations. Generation Y is too busy trying to “find themselves” in order to commit to anybody or anything. Companies have complained about the turn over rate of Generation Y. Companies invest lots of money training new employees only to have them leave after two years so they can find a new job. This reluctance to commit has carried over to the interaction between the sexes. Young adults don’t want to be tied down to someone just in case they get an itch to go on a backpacking trip to Europe.
2. The internet has hindered Generation Y’s social skills. Instead of telling a person directly that they’re interested in them by asking them on a date, Generation Y sends Crush alerts on Facebook. While the internet has made connecting with people easier, it has also made us lazier at establishing meaningful relationships. If you’re over 18 and you’re still using Facebook applications to let someone know you’re interested in them, you need to be punched in the face.
3. Feminism. Before I receive the wrath of all the feminists telling me it’s a typical man thing to blame women for the decline in dating, I ask that you hear me out. I think feminism is great. It’s great that women can choose to have a career, be a stay-at-home mom, or do both.
But it does make things confusing for men. Navigating relations among the sexes is a bit more tricky today. Men have all these questions go through their head: Who asks? If I ask, will she think I’m too forward? Who pays for the date? Do we split the bill? All these uncertainties cause men to avoid dating altogether and opt for hanging out with women instead.
4. Men today are wussies. Men today aren’t very resilient. They don’t know how to handle rejection or failure, so they avoid rejection or failure by not asking women out on dates.
So while there is nothing wrong with hanging out, it’s not a replacement for dating. Dating is the pathway to finding your true love and eventually settling down and getting married. Marriage is a one on one relationship, so you need to start getting to know women on a one on one basis. You might be hanging out with her and your friends right now, but if you don’t take her on date, she’ll forever be just your friend. So, start dating and stop hanging out. It really is not that hard to get a date with a woman. Here are some guidelines to remember as you take hanging out up a level to dating.
So, you’re ready to start dating and stop hanging out. You’re wondering how to ask her out. It really is not that hard to get a date with a woman. Here are some guidelines to remember as you take hanging out up a level to dating.
1. She wants you to ask. Despite the rhetoric you hear about the liberated woman, women still appreciate it when a guy asks her out on a date. They like when men take the initiative. I’ve heard lots of successful young professional women lament the fact that men don’t ask them out. They’re beautiful, smart, and charming, but don’t have a man. Be a man and ask these women out.
2. Asking is easy. Asking a woman out on a date isn’t rocket science. When you ask, though, do it in person or over the phone. If you’re poking a woman you’re interested in on Facebook, you lose any credibility as a man.
3. Keep dates simple. Dates don’t have to be huge, expensive affairs. Keep it simple. If you want to keep things informal, ask her out for lunch or coffee. If you want a more romantic date, invite her over to your place and make dinner for her. She’ll be impressed that you know how to cook. The whole point of dating is to get some one on one interaction with a person to find out if she is someone you’d like to start a long term relationship with. Simple and frequent dates will assist you in this.
4. Prepare for rejection. Face it. Not every woman you ask out is going to say yes. Prepare for that. It’s no big deal if she says no. Think about it. You’re no worse off getting rejected than you were before you asked. You didn’t have a date with her before, you don’t have a date with her now. Your situation has not changed.
5. Just do it, damn it. So what are you waiting for? Quit reading this post right now and pick up your cell phone. Call a woman and ask her on a date. Stop hanging out and start dating. Stop being scared of commitment. Commitment is liberating, not confining.
So When Should You Ask Girl Out?
And even if she says no, you’re no better off than you were before you asked.
The social arts is really a collection of different social skills rolled up and bundled together in one big hodgepodge of stuff useful for getting success with women. And one of these many skills you’ll find you’ll need to work on that proves absolutely vital to your success is text messaging and how to text a girl.
Texting is a thorn in many a man’s side. Sometimes it might seem when you’re trying to figure this medium out that there are more questions when it comes to text messaging than there are answers.What’s the right thing to say in your texts? How do you know if your messages are having the right effect on a girl – or not? What should your ultimate objective with texting be – what are you trying to accomplish?
I used to be highly vehemently anti-text myself and pro-phone; “You can’t build a real connection with a girl over text, and you should never ask her out over text,” was my old mantra. But times change, people change, and so have I; these days, I almost never make phone calls anymore. Phone calls are so 20th century.
YOUR OBJECTIVE IN TEXTING GIRLS
Let’s start with the underlying basics and strategy of text messaging girls, because that’s what’s going to drive how you structure your messages and everything else about them.
First off, we covered some of the very basics of text messaging back in April of last year in “Text Message Flirting,” so if you haven’t read that one yet or you need a quick refresher, start there. That out of the way, let’s dive in.
I feel like most of the men whose text conversations I see have a very slipshod approach toward texting: they text girls without really knowing what their objectives are, oftentimes without any discernable objectives at all.I’m not sure how they expect directionless, objective-free texting to lead to anything productive, but well, I remember the days when I was a lot less effective with texting and it felt like this big black question mark of an area, so I commiserate.
We’ll shine a little light on texting then, and get you pointed in the right direction. You will only ever have two (2) objectives for texting, and they should never overlap. Here are your objectives in texting girls:
Build rapport and comfort, or
Set up a meet.
That’s it. I think when most men are texting women they rather have this pseudo-objective instead, which is:
Keep texting her and fishing around hoping to somehow set up a date.
And that’s probably the most abominable lack of direction in texting known to man. That horrible, atrocious non-objective leads to men sending all kinds of random, half-baked, lame text messages that leave a woman staring at them thinking, “Why is he texting me this?” and only accomplish sinking the guy’s efforts to win this new girl over.
Thumbs down for the pseudo-objective. If you do that, stop immediately.
Back to our real objectives. When you are sending text messages, a woman should know immediately what your objective is – to build rapport or to ask her out. There should be no question in her mind; this is how to text a girl properly. The reason I say not to have any overlap is because the instant you start trying to overlap setting up meets with building rapport, it gets messy. That’s when you have a guy fishing around as he builds rapport, hoping for / looking for / trying to find some way to ask the girl out. Don’t fall into this trap; keep your objectives separate. Either you’re building rapport, or you’re setting up a meet.
Some dos and do nots:
Beat around the bush.
Text without having an objective.
Send lots and lots of texts.
Get wordy or longwinded.
Be direct and straightforward.
Text with your objective in mind.
Send a handful of well-planned texts.
Be precise and concise.
You will always be trying either to build rapport and comfort, or set up a meet. That’s all; those are your text messaging objectives when it comes to contacting women.
WARM TEXTING AND COLD TEXTING
One stop into the land of definitions before we continue. I want to make sure we differentiate between warm and cold texting, because it’s an important distinction. So let’s define these terms henceforth for the remainder of this article.
Warm texting is when you text message a girl who was expecting to hear from you at the time you texted her, or was thinking about you.
Cold texting is when you text message a girl who was not expecting to hear from you at the time you texted her, and was not thinking about you.
Why the distinction? Because you’re going to strike a different tone in different types of messages, depending on how prepared a girl was to be talking to you.
I’ll give you a pair of examples: first, imagine you’re on your way to meet a coworker you’re friendly with but not super close with for lunch. You get a text from him: “Just parked. Grab a table yet?” It may be the first text message he’s sent you all day, but it feels normal because you were expecting to hear from him. Now let’s say you’re sitting there at 10 AM in the morning the next day, slogging through some work you don’t want to do when you’d really rather be in bed. You get a text from the same coworker whom you’re friendly with but not very close with; this one reads: “Just had my second cup of Joe. How’s your morning?” To a very social person, it might be cool to get this text, but most people will find this one strange and intrusive; it comes out of the middle of nowhere. They wonder, “Why is he texting me?”
That’s the difference between warm and cold texts. The first one – where you were planning to meet your coworker – came as no surprise, because of course you would need to handle some logistical issues with meeting each other for lunch.
The second one though – where’d that one come from? This isn’t a guy you’re super close with – is he trying to be friends with you? Does he want something from you? Does he have some kind of man-crush on you? Those are the kind of confused questions that pop into your head when a cold text isn’t properly structured to account for the surprise and confusion it may elicit.
Texting girls is a little more nuanced than you thought, ain’t it?
HOW TO STRUCTURE YOUR TEXTS
When you send your first text in a new text message conversation with a girl (e.g., the first text you’ve sent her after not having spoken with her via text for two or more hours; no exceptions, even if you just talked to her over the phone), there are a few elements you will always want to include in every cold text. These are:
A piece of new information.
Something that shows you’re considering her.
Each of these plays a big part in the “feel” of the text. Here’s what a complete one with all of the elements looks like:
Gabby, hey. Running a bit behind, sorry; will be there closer to 2:30. Still cool?
So there, we have:
Information: “Running a bit behind” “will be there closer to 2:30”
Consideration: “sorry” “Still cool?” Also, the fact that you texted to let her know you’d be late in the first place – that also counts as consideration
In certain cases, we can drop the greeting and it still feels okay, especially if the text is a warm text. So in the example above, we could drop the greeting (“hey” in this case) and it’s still okay, because she’s expecting you to handle logistical issues in the run up to the date. You could drop the name too, but that makes it a bit impersonal, so I recommend keeping it.
You should always use a girl’s name in your first text of a new text conversation. This trips a mental trigger that reassures her that you’re talking to her. Text, phone, and email correspondences simply don’t feel that personal when you don’t use the other person’s name; I highly, highly recommend that you do. My text message conversations always start with:
Hey Lily, hope your weekend was good =)
Always a greeting, and always a name.
Note that I shied away from exclamation points (“!”) and emoticons (smileys) for a while, as being too “cutesy” and adding too much fun into texts, but ultimately decided periods (“.”) were too morose. For a while, I operated off the assumption that a girl would just get used to me using periods and eventually realize that hey, Chase is always in a good mood so I shouldn’t take it to mean he’s sad or complaining when he uses periods, but these days I’m moving so quickly with girls that they don’t have time to properly get to know me anymore.
When you’re moving fast with new girls, exclamation points and emoticons have more upside than downside for engendering the right emotions and allowing you to progress things rapidly.
Hi Chase. Hope your week has been good. Feel like mine’s never going to end.
makes me recoil in fear that this girl’s a total downer; she sounds dour and whiney. I’m scared if I meet up with her she’ll suck me into negativity or get clingy and dependent on me if we get together. On the other hand,
Hi Chase! Hope your week has been good 🙂 Feel like mine’s never going to end..!
feels so much more fresh and vivid and engaging! I can’t wait to see this girl. Same exact message, just different punctuation at the end of the sentences. She’s a breath of fresh air. Our texting won’t be quite that bouncy, since we won’t be texting exactly as girls text, but it’ll be pretty close.
Texting is one of those mediums where you’re forced to choose, unfortunately. In this case, the choice is between masculine and negative, or feminine and positive. I’ll choose feminine and positive and trust that my masculinity in person will plow under any thoughts of my texting being cutesy.
On the matter of information and consideration: the information you share is the “point” of the text; it’s the reason why you texted. The consideration is the “bond” in the text; it’s your way of bonding with and showing care and consideration for this girl you’re texting.
You want to make sure you know how to text a girl and create the right emotions, because without that you’re sunk. If she’s left confused as to why you sent the text (information is missing or irrelevant) or feels like it’s cold and you aren’t really focused so much on her (lack of consideration), she’ll have confused or bad feelings tied to the text correspondence and be less likely to respond positively, and less likely to respond at all.
Information might be:
Sitting here in gridlock… this city has the worst traffic ever!
Had the most amazing shrimp of my life last night… I can still taste it.
Thinking we need to get together some time soon.
Consideration might be:
How’s your week looking?
How was your test?
What’s your schedule looking like this week?
You’ll notice I use a lot of, “What’s your week look like?” That’s because I find it a great, open-ended question for both A) getting a girl to talk about anything fun, different, or interesting she’s got going on or coming up, and B) setting up logistics for us to meet up. And, as you’ll see in just a moment, I’m very direct these days and don’t like wasting much time on niceties.
You’ll also notice we’re directly violating one of the capital rules of text message flirting I posted about a year ago. Well, for ordinary texting, that still holds true: texting in the initial message is a no-no.
But when you structure things very properly as we do here, you can circumvent that rule and cut to the chase.It’s the whole “get good enough and the rules don’t apply to you anymore” rule. Well, certain rules do still apply – if you drop names and greetings and consideration, you probably won’t get very far. But you can drop the question rule when you’re doing everything else right and then you can use questions to your advantage.
Here’s what our text messages to these gals look like fully assembled:
Hey Lily, hope your weekend was good =) Sitting here in gridlock… this city has the worst traffic ever! How’s your week looking?
Katie, morning! Had the most amazing shrimp of my life last night… I can still taste it. How was your test?
Hi Melanie! Thinking we need to get together some time soon. What’s your schedule looking like this week?
These are cool, fun, personal, and upbeat, and will almost always get responses. This is influenced partly by the initial impression you made on the girls you’re sending them to, of course, and partly by precedent (e.g., if your initial impression was not good for whatever reason, or you’ve already set bad precedent in your correspondence, a good text now may be too little too late), but generally, structured this way, you’ll almost always hear back from women, and they’ll almost always be at least reasonably warm and expansive in their replies.
HOW TO TEXT A GIRL TO BUILD RAPPORT
I recommend you send an initial text message to a girl three to five hours after first meeting her. If you met her toward the end of the night in a bar or nightclub or on the street or at a party, one or two hours later is okay if you’re just about to head to bed.
Your first text message, several hours after first meeting a girl, is to break the communication barrier and establish a degree of comfort for her with communicating with you. The longer you wait, the more awkward it gets when that first communication of yours arrives (whether a text message or a phone call), so text within three to five hours to prevent any awkwardness or expectation settling in and establish rapport via text message right away. All you need to do that is a simple text like:
Glad to meet a fellow traveler 🙂 -Chase
Happy to run into you tonight 🙂 -Chase
Basically, you’re giving her:
A goodwill statement letting her know you’re glad to meet her
A smiley face conveying warmth and good feelings
This serves the following purposes:
Establishing rapport. You’ve quickly moved to establish rapport via text message, removing any awkwardness or expectation. When you text or call later, it will be natural, now that you’ve already exchanged communication.
Confirmation that you like her and remember her. Sometimes guys take girls’ phone numbers and get all weird or never text or call at all. Girls can get stuck wondering if you really liked her, if you ever intend to get in touch with her again, or if you’ll be the same over text as you were in person or if you’re one of those Jekyll / Hide guys who’s cool in person but creepy over text. Giving her a (short, single sentence) goodwill statement with accompanying smiley will set her mind at ease and prevent her from starting to imagine any weird scenarios of you texting or calling and it being odd.
Giving her your name. When you’ve been at this for a while, you develop a talent for remembering everyone’s name, because you get so used to meeting lots and lots of new people that it just becomes routine. I rather enjoy meeting a new group of eight or ten people, having them all cycle through their names, and then I go back and tell them all what their names are after and everyone’s amazed. As it were though, most women are not so talented, and may very well forget your name, no matter how much they like you and how deeply you connect. This can be downright embarrassing for them – so much so sometimes that they can’t bear to talk to you for the shame of it. Signing your name at the end of that first text allows them to save face and gives them your name just in case they forgot it.
For building rapport, typically I’ll fire off that initial text, then not get in contact with the girl at all the following day, only reestablishing rapport the day after (unless she reaches out to me first). At that time I’ll generally fire off a few rapport building texts to get her comfortable chatting with me. These follow the structure we covered earlier, at least in the first text or two.
Some general outlines on rapport-building texts:
Be concise. Shorter texts get far more replies than longwinded ones.
Stay positive. No one likes a downer; bring good, positive energy to your texts. Girls should look forward to receiving texts from you. Let them dread texts from those other boring, depressing life-draining guys, while you come along and light up their days.
Keep it to a few texts. Unless you get in a really good texting conversation with a girl, you’ll want to keep it to three to ten texts sent, generally.
Watch the time. It’s okay to vary your response times, but don’t reply too much more quickly to a girl’s text than she replies to yours until you get pretty advanced, lest you risk looking like you’re waiting by the phone for her reply with nothing better to do. Once you’re advanced, you can play around with varying response times; sometimes I’ll reply within minutes to a girl’s text; other times it might take me hours. Usually that’s more because I’m busy than anything else, but building variance into your response time is a good thing to do.
HOW TO TEXT A GIRL TO ARRANGE A MEET
This is the real meat of this post and probably the most important part of it. Honestly, I hardly spend much time building rapport with girls over text these days; I usually go straight for setting up the date. If you prefer to build some comfort and rapport first, I’d recommend a rough schedule like this:
Initial text several hours after first meeting girl
Rapport-building texts two days after first meet
Arrange the date four to five days after first meet
That’s all you need. Less, even. Like I said, I often skip the rapport-building these days unless I really think a girl needs it, and I go for setting up the meet the day after I’ve first met a girl or the next day after that. You don’t need to talk to a girl for weeks before she’s ready to meet up with you; you don’t need to gradually win her over. You just need to get her out.
Back in my days selling tires, my old boss asked me a question while I was still in training. He asked me, “Do you know what the telephone is for?”
I said, “To sell the customer on a tire?”
He said, “No. A really good, seasoned salesguy, like Jim, can sell a customer on a tire over the phone, but even he knows not to push too hard to try to sell over the phone unless he can tell that’s what the customer wants. All I want you to do with the telephone is to use it to get the customer in the store. Selling over the phone is an uphill battle; but, get them in the store, and by that point they’ve come all the way here, they’ve made the decision this is where they want to buy their tires, and they’re committed, and more likely than not they’ll buy the tire. You stand a much better chance of selling the customer a tire when they’re here in front of you than when you have them on the phone. Get them in the store.”
I took that to heart and made it my priority with every phone call I answered from a customer. Whenever I found myself on the phone, my priority was get them in the store.
I forgot this lesson for a while when I was first learning how to do well with women, and I’d have these long, drawn out phone and text message interactions spanning weeks and months, and sometimes I’d eventually meet the girl, and sometimes nothing would come of it. It was colossally ineffective. I hated the phone; I had better luck taking a girl home the same night I met her in the nightclub than I did ever seeing her again once I had a phone number.
But eventually I remembered “get them in the store.” Translated to seduction, it’s “get them out with you.”
So, I stopped trying to sell myself over the phone, and just started using it as a logistical tool to set up dates; my success soared. I’ve hardly even used phone calls at all the past two years. Heck, in the first fifteen days of this year, I slept with four new girls, every one on first dates, every one of those dates coordinated via text message. My secret? “Get them out with you.”
I recently helped a good friend of mine structure his text messages to get a girl out who hadn’t responded to an earlier effort of his. I wrote him up a new text, and suddenly this girl who hadn’t responded before responded right away this time and ended up coming out late that night to meet him when she had to be up for work at 7 am the next day.
Why? Three elements to a meet-up text:
Keep your eye on the ball.
The ball being the meet, of course. The value can be offering to do something cool or fun with her, or it may simply be leading her to something she wants to do (meet you). Sometimes girls will ask side questions, like, “How was your day?” but you must answer that and continue to push toward the meet. Don’t get sidetracked. Here’s what an example conversation might look like as you forge ahead toward setting up a meet:
Guy: Lisa, hey! Let’s figure out a time to grab a bite. How’s this weekend looking for you?
Girl: This weekend’s okay, sure! How are you??
Guy: I’m good! Why don’t we do Saturday at 1 PM? We can meet at Main St Station Exit 2 and go from there. Cool?
Guy: Awesome. See you Sat 😉
And bam, that’s all it takes. Note that when she asked how he was, he didn’t get sidetracked and kept his eye on the ball (the meet). A pal of mine fell into that trap and got diverted off-course and ended up not meeting up with a girl who wanted to meet up with him because of that, which sucks. Keep your eye on the ball and continue pushing – gently, calmly, and socially adroitly – for the meet. Then, plan a good date and make it a simple date and she’s as good as yours.
This was another rather wordy article, but I haven’t seen much good information out on there on texting and wanted to put this out. I was considering making this a mini-ebook and selling it, but, eh… my hands are full enough with finishing How to Make Girls Chase and doing pre-scripting for Spellbinding. Besides, information wants to be free anyway, right? 😉
Seriously, if you get this down, your dating life will get about 1000x easier. Being able to quickly turn your phone numbers into meets is a game changer; it gives you so many more opportunities to succeed with women.Definitely focus on stepping up your text message skills and really learning how to text a girl when you have the time.
A few of the possibly more challenging bumps in the road you may encounter and the items you’ll likely want to target as you seek to learn this:
Beginners: getting down timing (how fast or slow should you respond? what days and what times of day should you text at?), number of texts sent (how many is too few? too many?), and anxiety over pulling the trigger (sooner or later you have to ask her out!).
Intermediate: getting down concision (don’t write long texts), being interesting without being an entertainer (avoid being boring, but also avoid going over the top), engaging women properly (how do you get them really participating?), and arranging dates more smoothly.
Advanced: cutting down your texting even more, to the bare minimum of texts you need to send before you can get a girl on a date; getting girls to chase you and pursue you and at times work to set the date up themselves; getting very dominant and direct in how you set up your dates and mastering the finer points of language in text messages; working on assuming the sale (“Shall we grab lunch? I’m thinking we could do O’Malley’s at noon tomorrow; sound good?”).
So, get thee to a cell phone and start texting today. Invaluable skill to have, and while I still think you ought to invest some time into getting great on the phone just for the pure sake of having that versatility should you need it, texting at this level is really all you need to get girls out and on dates reliably and quickly.
In short, I am firmly a text messaging convert these days. Texting girls… fun, easy, effective, and above all, efficient! Can’t be beat.
Ever find yourself wondering what to talk about on dates?
Sure, you probably know some of the basics, and you might even be able to get past small talk, but what then?
For most guys, the answer is NO. They go with the flow and perhaps occasionally hit some of the right topics by accident. But the “go with the flow” mentality won’t help you get consistent success on dates.
Do you know how to hit the right topics to progress the date, connect with her, and lay the groundwork for taking her home?
It’s better to take a more deliberate approach by first understanding which topics are the most powerful on your dates.
A good conversation topic does at least one of three things:
Helps you connect with her (usually by revealing something about her)
Pushes the date forward (escalates things, moves her someplace more intimate)
Handles the logistics (resolve timeframes and any other issues related with things to come)
(Bonus points if the topic also shines a positive light on you, but remember: you should keep talking about yourself to a minimum.)
If you’re on a topic that doesn’t do one of these things, you should move on quickly. Otherwise, you risk the conversation stalling and the connection fading.
With this in mind, I’ll cover topics that fit into each of these three categories.
You’ll notice that many of these topics allow you to:
Screen her for potential relationship material (whether it be hook up, friends with benefits, or girlfriend)
Qualify her so that she feels like she’s winning you over little by little
Communicate with her on an emotional level (which is best for connecting with her)
Keep the conversation focused on her so she feels like you already know her well
And relate back to her with positive traits and stories about yourself
(Note: You shouldn’t try to cycle through all of these topics on your dates. Instead, deep dive on a few of them, and save the rest for future dates with the girl.)
Let’s cover the first set of topics – those that will help you connect with her.
CONNECTING WITH HER
These topics are best to use at the beginning of the date. They lay a foundation for trust and a strong connection, which makes it easier to push the date forward later on. You can also sprinkle them in later on in the date if needed.
1. Her Experiences
Her experiences have shaped her life. They make up her stories, influence her thought processes, and create her strongest memories.
So, when you get her to recall her positive and fun experiences, she’ll feel those positive and fun emotions during the conversation and associate them with you. Then you can relate back with some similar experiences and stories and make the conversation flow.
Here are some questions that can get you talking about her experiences:
What was your last big adventure?
What’s your favorite travel story?
How did you end up in this city?
Then you can dive deeper and ask questions like:
How did it feel when you did that?
Now that you’re here, what do you think about this city?
2. Her Dreams
What are her biggest aspirations? What has she always wanted to do?
A woman’s dreams can tell you a lot about her, like her level of ambition and confidence as well as her passions and interests.
They also give you a chance to encourage her, get her to consider new possibilities, and create an “anything is possible” type of vibe in the conversation (which bodes well when you try to bring her home later on).
Here are some questions that can get you talking about her dreams:
What’s something you’ve always wanted to do?
What did you want to be when you were a kid?
What’s the biggest thing on your bucket list?
Then you can dive deeper and ask questions like:
So, what’s holding you back from doing it?
Why did you get into [what she does now] instead of [her dream]?
How would it feel to accomplish something like that?
3. Her Passions
What passions drive her? And do any of her passions intersect with your passions?
Passions are a highly emotional topic. Perhaps you both love to travel, dance, perform on stage, etc. When she talks about her passions, you have the chance to relate to her on a deeper level, as well as get insight into your compatibility with her.
For example, if a girl says “I’m passionate about watching movies” (yes, I’ve heard this one before), it’s a sign that she’s probably not too ambitious. But if she says “I’m passionate about yoga,” then you know you have a girl who actually cares about her body and is working to constantly improve it.
She lives for this.
Here’s a simple question that can get you talking about her passions:
“What kinds of things are you most passionate about?”
Then you can dive deeper and ask questions like:
What makes you so passionate about [her passion]?
How do you feel when you’re following that passion?
4. Her Hometown
Is she a small town girl with a chip on her shoulder, or was she raised in the fast-paced big city?
Her hometown will give you insight into what type of girl she is, as well as her experience level. If she just moved from a small town, it’s a sign that she’s probably a little more inexperienced and potentially open to new adventures. If she’s lived in a big city all her life, she’ll be more likely to test you and try to maintain control over the way things go.
Here are some questions that can get you talking about her hometown:
Where did you grow up?
What kind of city did you grow up in?
Then you can dive deeper and ask questions like:
What was it like to grow up there?
How does this city compare to your hometown?
5. Where She Wants to Travel
Just about every girl has some type of “dream” travel destination or trip that she hopes to experience one day. When she thinks of these dream travel destinations, she’s filled with all sorts of warm and fuzzy emotions, as well as a yearning for adventure.
Perhaps you share similar dream travel destinations, or perhaps you’ve already been to where she wants to go and you can tell her about it.
Either way, this topic gives you another opportunity to relate and connect with her.
Here are some questions that can get you talking about where she wants to travel:
Where have you always wanted to travel?
What are your favorite vacation spots?
Then you can dive deeper and ask questions like:
What makes you want to travel to that country/city?
What do you want to do there?
6. What She Loves to Do
Take a minute and think about some of the things you absolutely love to do…
Did you feel some of the emotions that come about when you’re doing those things?
When a girl tells you about what she loves to do, she’ll be flooded with positive emotions, and this will reflect positively on you. It can also provide you with future date ideas.
For example, if she loves to exercise, you can plan out a gym session together.
Here are some questions that can get you talking about what she loves to do:
What kinds of things do you love to do?
What kinds of activities do you most look forward to?
Then you can dive deeper and ask questions like:
What do you love about [what she loves to do]?
How do you feel when you’re doing it?
7. Her Career
Her career will give you insight into her character, ambitions, and personality. It’s a great way to learn more about her.
The key is to talk about the more emotional side of her career rather than the logical side (this can be easy to mess up). For example, you shouldn’t talk about the intricacies of tax season with an accountant – that will probably just depress her and bring the conversation down.
Instead, you’re better off using the types of questions (and cold reads) below to dive deeper into this topic…
Here’s a simple question that can get you talking about her career:
What do you do for work?
You can also make a cold read and guess about what type of work she does. For example:
You seem like you do something creative…
You seem like a very charismatic person – do you do something in sales or marketing?
Then you can dive deeper and ask questions like:
How did you get into that?
What made you want to get into that industry?
Now that you’re doing it, how does it feel?
8. Her Motivations
Most men never dig deep enough and try to discover why a girl wants the things she wants. This goes beyond polite and platonic conversation and smashes through small talk.
As a result, it’s also a bit of a pattern interrupt. She may be used to giving autopilot responses when talking about things like her career, her goals, etc. So when you dive deeper and ask about her motivations, you break her out of autopilot and force her to give genuine responses.
Here are some simple questions that can get you talking about her motivations:
What made you want to come to this city?
What gets you excited to wake up in the morning?
Why did you choose your career?
Then you can dive deeper and ask questions like:
What makes you want to achieve that?
What excites you about that?
9. Her Friends
For some women, family is a sore subject. Perhaps they don’t have great relationships with their parents or siblings, or they had some sort of falling out. So bringing up family can cloud the conversation in negativity. It’s better to do that later on in future dates.
Not something you want her thinking of on Date #1.
For the first date or so, it’s better to keep it light and talk about her friends when discussing people in her personal life.
Here are some simple questions that can get you talking about her friends:
Who do you usually hang out with in this city?
Who do you like to go out with?
Who are some of your best friends?
Then you can dive deeper and ask questions like:
How did you end up meeting your best friends?
What are your favorite things to do with your friends?
10. Where She Went to School
Did she go to a big party school, or did she spend her college days in a conservative religious school?
A girl’s college can tell you a lot about what type of girl she might be. It can also bring back fond memories and plenty of opportunities to relate with her. And on the off chance you happen to be alums from the same school in a faraway place, it can create instant trust that can lead to a quick hookup (this happened to me in Spain – after she and I discovered we went to the same US university, she ended up back in my bed within 20 minutes).
Here are some simple questions that can get you talking about where she went to school:
Where did you go to college?
What did you major in?
Then you can dive deeper and ask questions like:
What was it like to go to school there?
What made you choose to go there?
PUSHING THE DATE FORWARD
These topics are best to use toward the middle and end of the date. Although you may think they’re fairly common, most guys don’t use them the right way, and so they don’t harness their full power.
But used properly, these topics can help you push the date forward and provide an easy excuse to go home with her when it’s time to make your move. They’re also more fun and flirty, so you don’t need to dive as deeply as in the previous topics.
11. Her Pets
If a woman has pets, odds are that she loves to talk about them. This topic is especially great if you have a pet as well.
You can joke about going back and meeting her pet, or about her going back and meeting yours. This is an easy excuse to get back to one of your houses/apartments when it’s time to make your move.
It also alerts you to the red flag of her having too many pets (or perhaps an Instagram account for her dog). If she’s a little too into her pets, it could be a sign that she’s a crazy girl you should stay away from.
Here are some fun ways that can get you talking about pets:
Do you have any pets?
You seem like a dog (or cat) person…
Briefly mention your pet (if you have one) in a story (e.g., “I was walking my dog the other day, and I saw…”)
12. Her Favorite Food/Cooking
Food is a fun topic. Everybody loves some kind of food. When she talks about food, you’ll find out whether you like the same kinds of food, and also whether or not she’s a vegetarian (that’s a deal-breaker for me – I don’t want to spend my life being limited by restaurants).
Plus, when you ask her about cooking, you effectively screen her. For me, it’s important that any girl I date at least knows her way around the kitchen and can cook a few good meals. If she says something like “I never learned, my mom always did all the cooking,” a little box gets crossed off in my head. I know that she’s probably not girlfriend material for me.
This question can also bridge the way into a second date where the two of you can cook dinner at your place or hers, or perhaps even leave the current date venue for a quick meal closer to your place.
Here are some fun ways that can get you talking about her favorite foods/cooking:
What’s your favorite kind of food?
What’s your favorite meal to cook?
What’s your favorite dessert?
13. A Hidden Talent/Something You Wouldn’t Guess About Her
Has she taken pole dancing lessons? Maybe she knows how to scuba dive or hula hoop for hours? Chances are, she probably has some type of hidden talent that you wouldn’t guess.
The kind of hidden talent you won’t mind being exposed to.
This can be an especially great topic if you have your own hidden talent that she wouldn’t guess about you. Because she’ll inevitably ask you about your hidden talent after she tells you about hers.
For example, my hidden talent is rapping. I used to perform at my college, and I’ve made a few interesting music videos. I don’t exactly fit the rapper archetype, so women are always surprised and want me to prove it. To this I say “I’ll show you a music video later on,” implying that we’ll go to my place later, and she’ll see it then.
Here are some fun ways that can get you talking about her hidden talent or something you wouldn’t guess about her:
What’s your secret talent?
What’s something I wouldn’t guess about you?
14. Her Favorite Music
I make sure to talk about her favorite music on every first date.
It’s one of the easiest reasons to head back to your place (or hers). Women are also quite passionate about music, so it usually sparks an interesting conversation.
Let’s say her favorite music is reggaeton, and she mentions a specific artist you’ve never heard of, like J Balvin. You can say “Ah, I haven’t heard his music before. You’ll have to show me some of his stuff later on.”
Then, as the date progresses and it’s time to make a move, you can say “Let’s head back to my place and listen to some music. You can show me some of your favorite J Balvin songs.” If you’ve made a good connection with her at this point, this is usually all the reason she needs to head back to your place.
Here are some fun ways that can get you talking about her favorite music:
What’s your favorite music?
What kind of music do you love to dance to?
15. What She Finds Sexy in a Guy
Ever feel like you’ve taken a pit stop in a platonic conversation on a date and can’t seem to find your way out? Well, just ask “What do you find sexy in a guy” to make sure you escape the dreaded friend-zone.
It works well because it causes her to look at you through a more sexual lens. It unavoidably creates a sexual undertone in the conversation (which is important if you want to escalate things to a hookup later on).
She’ll usually ask you what you find sexy in a girl afterwards, and you can use this as an opportunity to get her to qualify herself, too.
Here’s how you can get her talking about what she finds sexy in guy:
“Now that we’ve talked about all the ‘normal stuff,’ let’s make things exciting. What do you find sexiest in a guy?”
This is similar to the music topic in that it gives you a great reason to head back to your place (and obviously, music is connected with dancing).
For example, if you find out that she knows how to salsa dance, you can say “You’ll have to show me some of your moves later.”
Then, when it comes time to bring her home, you can say “Let’s head back to my spot and listen to music. Maybe you can teach me a salsa move or two.”
Her: Yeah, I love to dance!
You: Ah, so you have some good rhythm then…
Her: Of course!
You: [With a sly smile] That’s good, rhythm is important in a lot of things [slight pause]… especially dancing.
Here you insinuate that rhythm is important for sex – it’s a slight sexual innuendo. The key here is in the implication. You imply that it’s important for sex without actually bluntly saying “Yeah, rhythm is important for sex.” This adds some intrigue and fun.
Here are some good ways to get talking about dancing:
Do you like to dance?
Do you have rhythm?
What’s your favorite kind of dance style?
Do you know how to dance salsa/bachata?
This topic helps get her in an adventurous state of mind. It can also get her to qualify herself as being adventurous, which can lead her to do more adventurous things on the date, like go home with you (she’ll want to stay consistent with the picture she’s painted of herself).
Here are some fun ways that can get you talking about adventure:
You seem like an adventurous person…
What was your last big adventure?
Do you like adventure?
HANDLING THE LOGISTICS
These are simple topics that allow you to make your move and either bring her home or plan out a second date. They tell you her logistics, which provides you with a timeframe of how fast you need to move with her.
They’re good to bring up at just about any time throughout the date, especially once you decide you might want to take her home.
18. What She’s up to Later On (and Tomorrow)
A lot of guys assume a girl’s logistics, and it gets them into trouble. For example, they assume she’ll be free for the entire night or that she doesn’t have to wake up early in the morning.
Then, when they try to move things forward, they’re thwarted by her time limits. Had they known her logistics, they could’ve tried to move things forward more quickly. The better approach is to figure out what she’s up to later on (and the next day), so you know for sure what her logistics are.
For example, if you meet up with her at 8pm and you know she has to work at 7am the next day, you’ll know you should probably get one drink and try to bring her home. That way you’re less likely to get blocked by the “I can’t… I have to wake up early” excuse.
You can’t keep her out late if she’s got this in her future.
To broach this topic, you can simply ask questions like:
What are you up to later on tonight?
Do you work tomorrow? (This is a good one to ask when you’re talking about her career)
19. What She’s up to This Week
In most cases, you should aim to bring a girl home on the first date. However, sometimes it doesn’t logistically work. In those cases, you should shift your focus to planning out the next date.
That’s the goal of this topic: to set a time and place for the next date. That way you won’t have to exchange text after text trying to figure it out.
You: Are you doing anything on Monday or Wednesday night?
Her: I work late on Mondays, but I don’t think I’m doing anything on Wednesday. Why?
You: Cool. Let’s cook some dinner at my spot on Wednesday night.
Her: Okay, that should work!
Then, when you’re leaving the date, you can say “Alright, I’ll see you on Wednesday.”
With this approach, she’s much less likely to flake on the date, and you can just send a simple text to confirm things.
To broach this topic, you can simply ask questions like:
What are you up to this week?
What days are you usually free during the week?
20. The Move
The move is the moment when you offer to bring her home or go back to your place (if you’re having drinks with her at a bar, this is usually toward the end of the first or second drink). Here, you can bring up topics you talked about throughout the date and use them as reasons to leave the venue with her.
I’ve already hit on a few ways you can do this throughout this article, but I’ll lay them out here again (along with some new ways).
Here are some things you can say to help move the date back to your place or hers:
Let’s head back to my spot and listen to music. Maybe you can teach me a salsa move or two
Let’s have the next drink at my spot, and I’ll show you that X video (music video, snowboarding video, etc.)
Let’s head back to my place and listen to some music. You can show me some of your favorite J Balvin songs
I live down the street – let’s have the next drink on my rooftop and we can check out the view of the city
WRAPPING UP THINGS TO TALK ABOUT ON DATES WITH GIRLS
So, what does a good conversation topic accomplish? At least one of these three things:
Helps you connect with her
Pushes the date forward
Handles the logistics
And these are the conversation topics that fit into each of these three categories…
Connecting with her:
Where she wants to travel
What she loves to do
Pushing the date forward:
Her favorite food/cooking
A hidden talent/something you wouldn’t guess about her
Her favorite music
What she finds sexy in a guy
Handling the logistics:
What she’s up to later on/tomorrow
What she’s up to this week
After reading this, you should be fully prepared to have good, flirty, and fun conversations on your dates with girls, as well as more easily leading them back to your place (or hers).
Now it’s time to put these topics into practice on your next date.